I am a worrier. As far back as I can remember I have fretted over things, often to the point of developing a physical side effect like a nagging tummy ache. In fact, as a child people often compared me to my grandma who was famous for worrying over every little thing.
This legacy has stayed with me into adulthood and was only amplified once I had children. There are soooo many more things to freak out about now that I have 3 precious little beings to love and protect.
I had many “aha” moments in doing the 21-day cleanse this time around but none so profound as the realization that I often numb my worry/stress/anxiety with food and wine. About 5 days into the cleanse, I couldn’t figure out why I felt so great physically and so strung out mentally. I was anxious, tense and distracted. And what I came to understand was that I had eliminated all of my coping mechanisms. Tough day with the kids? Have a glass of wine. Up all night with a sick toddler? Hit the Starbucks drive-thru for a venti. Argument with my husband? Grab a big hunk of chocolate. Anxious over an audition? Plunk myself in front of American Idol with a bag of chips. Overscheduled and strung out? Good time for a slice of pizza and a piece of cake.
I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. I have been avoiding “feeling” most of my feelings because I’ve put things in place to compensate. I never slow down long enough to figure out what is going on in my mind because I am racing through life at full throttle without taking inventory of how I am really doing. And guess what? Once I couldn’t turn to my beloved glass of red wine or a big hunk of Lindt chocolate, my worry was still right there waiting to take over.
So what did I do? Well after I shed a few tears, I decided to take this as an opportunity for personal growth. I dusted off my copy of Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life and reread it. I read Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein and When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. I downloaded guided meditations off of iTunes (Kathy Freston, Louise Hay, Pema Chodron and Gabrielle Bernstein are my favs) and I listened to them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I wrote. I loaded my Louise Hay CD (How To Love Yourself) into my van and listened to it whenever I was driving around. I shared my feelings with my husband, my sister and a couple of close friends. I took good long Epsom salt baths. I stopped to breathe when I felt my worry taking over – 3 slow deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. I got a massage. I constantly reminded myself to stay present with my children. I watched Modern Family and laughed my head off. And I started to feel better.
Even though I am far from having this thing conquered, I truly feel that I am on the path to more genuine peace and serenity. And I’m not going to be so darn afraid of my feelings anymore. Heck, they are all a part of me and I’m going to either work towards setting them free or figure out how to incorporate them into my life.
Does this mean I’m never going to have a glass of wine again or that reality tv is now off my radar? No chance! I’m still planning to enjoy life’s guilty pleasures. I’m just going to be sure that I don’t come to rely on them quite so much.
Bottom line – shit is going to happen. I get that. But I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about past events and impending disasters and still fully enjoy being present as a loving wife, mom, sister, daughter, aunt, friend and human being. And I can’t grow as a person while racing through life with a glass of wine in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other. It’s time to face my fears and move forward. Yay me!